Monday, February 9, 2009

Drinking with a BBW Pornstar

Meet Crystal Clear.
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Couldn't possibly recap our conversation, but I will say this woman is the shit and I love her!!

I mean, she's large. She's in charge. (Take one look at those airbrushed jeans and that is obvious.) She just don't give a FUUUUCCCKK. She F's on camera for cash because that is what she's into and when times get rough, she'll take a job at K-Mart to make ends meet. Crystal handles it.

And you think you have it hard with boys? How would you like it if guys google searched your porno movies before you went on dates? Sure, that is all part of the package when you are a pornstar...but, c'mon dudes!! Have some class. At least pretend you don't watch porn on the first date. I don't wanna discuss that cumshot I took to my domepiece over my lovely salmon dinner at Cafe Stella. I mean, jesus, let me have a goddamn meal first, would ya? I'm starving. I was screwing all day. (I mean Crystal was.)

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Drinking with a Mortician

A couple weeks ago I got to have Daniella the Mortician in for a Sapporo and a girly chit-chat about death, mortality, true love and life aspirations. Just some real light stuff.
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Phew! She shared all sorts of interesting info! Like, did you know that when some people die, they have to get an anal plug rammed inside them?? This is because some people continue to leak out all of their gross inside trash juice. Nasty!! We are a disgusting species.

Daniella also gets the deadskies ready for their last close-up and occasionally applies "sexy granny" lipstick when deemed appropriate. (AKA if the bitch was fucking HOT and looked like a fiesty one when she was alive and kicking, a la Blanche Devereaux). OH!! And Daniella also tells me, if possible, get implants before you die, as it makes an embalmer's job much easier. I'm not exactly clear on how, but I believe it has to do with the fact that as we ladies get older, our titties lose their firmness and like to move around a bit. Getting implants assists the embalmer when they are trying to get your final look together and manhandle your jugs into a bra for the last time, as they are rock solid and easier to work with.

Go to KillRadio.org and listen to Daniella explain the world of embalming to me and also shittalk on her scam artist ex-boyfriend.

Drinking with Them - Thursdays 9pm - 11pm
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